The Heart of Expectation: Do You Really Get Back What You Put Into Relationships? So often in life we find ourselves disappointed by someone we love and it’s not just people that disappoint us, but it is our unfulfilled desires, and dreams.  However, if we are honest with ourselves our greatest disappointments in life come from unmet expectations.

This is key because we are seldom honest with ourselves and others on this very important point. And I think that if we have the courage to be so, we will save ourselves much grief and heartache.

I am blessed to be able to talk and interact with a lot of diverse people at any given time, and yet there is one universal thing that always stays the same across race, gender, age, income, and status: Our unmet expectations in our relationships tend to have the most profound impact on us.  I have been thinking about this a lot over the past week as I faced a very serious personal challenge and have had to rely on others to support, nurture, pray for and take care of me in many ways because I was unable to drive, shop, etc. for myself.  If you know me, you know that this is hard for me.

I found myself deeply hurt and disappointed in those who I thought were close to me, who simply didn’t respond the way I would have (or have) in a similar circumstance.  Even after I had humbled myself to say I needed their help and their presence with me.  Yet, in my dismay and disappointment I remembered the words of a dear friend of mine about five years ago now. She noticed that I tended to surround myself with a lot of people who were takers, and not givers–people who were always coming and going after they had been poured into by me.  So she took me out for coffee and she gave it to me straight.

She said Sophia, “You love hard girl. And most people simply cannot handle  it-it makes them feel guilty and they don’t want to step up their game so they lash out at you for simply being good to them. If you don’t start surrounding yourself with people who get you and who share your values, who will be there for you as you are for them you will burn out and burn up with frustration and disappointment.  We on the other hand are good friends and will always be because we are wired the same.  We operate off of ‘reflex’ and we make it a purpose in our loves to demonstrate care, love, affection, support not in words but in our deeds.  We don’t do drive by friendship.”  She continued, “Get rid of some of these so-called friends in your life, because they are not good friends or at the very least put them in their proper role–acquaintance and keep moving.”

WOW-Shazam–light bulb went off! She said, REFLEX. I love that word, I now use it all the time in the context of how I care for and about people in my life.  I don’t make excuses, I don’t try to diminish some-one’s needs, or tell them to “just get use to me this is the way I am”–I DO–I ACT–I POUR OUT–I GIVE. Ask yourself a question–why would you want to be around people that spent their energy telling you what they will not, cannot, and don’t do? Someone like this is toxic-RUN!

So here is the new rule for me since 2004:  I communicate my needs and expectations to those closest to me and we work on meeting each other’s needs as they arise.  And boy am I blessed with a tight inner circle that is there for me hands down.  They show up ready.  Which begs the question why was I looking for support from the wrong people in my life. My expectation of those in my closest family and inner circle is to operate on REFLEX–and do you know why? My closest circle is made up of self-professed Christian men and women.  And Christians act like Christ. And folks, don’t get it twisted: Christ was a doer, a healer, a comforter, a friend at all times, a forgiver, a lover of his fellow man, and a restorer of brokenness. I learned from my friend, her words impacted me deeply.  And ever since then I make it a point to openly and honestly communicate my needs and expectations of others and most importantly surround myself with people who share my value on this important matter.

I heard a preacher once talk about how he counseled couples and found that most marriages fail due to poor communication and managing of expectations.  He said it’s simple folks: if the husband focuses on meeting his wife’s needs and pouring into her daily and she in turn focuses on his needs and building him up–showing him respect daily they will both be filled.  Everyone’s needs are met.  In  that regard I commend everyone to read the books, “The Five Love Languages” & “The Five Languages of Apology” and “Love as a Way of Life.” by Dr. Gary Chapman.  These books will change your life radically if you put them into practice.  They teach you how to understand other’s needs, expectations and how to manage and meet them which is enriching for all involved.

So what’s the answer to the question I posed at the outset? The answer is YES, you can have a heart of expectation. Read the Psalms–read how King David laments the people he has poured into and loved, and yet when he is in the barrel they mocked and abandoned him.  David understood REFLEX–he got it–thus why he wanted to kill Abagail’s foolish husband Nabal (see 1st Samuel Chapter 25).  He understood that there is a way we treat our fellow man–there is courtesy–there is kindness–there is reciprocity.  David had protected Nabal’s flocks for free–just because it was right and when David asked for some provisions for his ARMY he was denied such.  Nabal’s selfish–arrogant and self serving ways cost him his life in the end. We should take heed there is a powerful lesson in this word from God.  My point to myself and all of you is to STOP surrounding yourself with (or trying to win over/change) people who do not and will not listen to and care about your feelings and more importantly work to meet validate them (and of course this must be reciprocal).  We all have expectations, and they are healthy when communicated, and managed with mutual love and respect.