Why iask is My Life's Passion
My Testing Season
They say that "pain is a great teacher". I could not agree more. In July of 2003, my life was forever changed when I abruptly developed a chronic auto-immune illness that took some of the best doctors in the DC Metropolitan region more than 18 months to properly diagnose. At the time just before this happened my life was pretty good, (at least on the surface) I had a handsome, well educated, and successful African American boyfriend who I had been dating for 6 months, my small business was thriving, I was getting ready to build a new home, and I had extricated myself from a previous long-term relationship that was very unhealthy for me emotionally, physically and spiritually. Things were finally looking good with hopes of marriage and children on the horizon. All my hopes and dreams were finally within my grasp.
But God had another plan, or let's say He allowed another plan to unfold in my life. That fall, one of the sisters in my church that I had confided in about what was going with me, called an emergency prayer meeting on my behalf and asked women to drive out to my home which is 40 miles southwest of DC on a Friday evening after work. Many of these ladies had small children and families of their own, they worked full-time, or were caretakers for elderly parents. The last thing they needed to do at the end of a hectic week was add an hour long drive (each way) to Ashburn, Virginia to try and be a support for me.
Yet, come they did. And they came in large numbers. It still humbles me to this day. Some of the ladies were among my closest friends, but many I had only met in passing. We ate together, prayed together, sang songs, and read scripture together. The outpouring of love that I received at that time and each year ever since has been simply heart lifting and valuable beyond words. I could not have made it this far, without the love of my "sisters". So you see iask was formed in my heart on that cool fall night in 2003 when the sisters came to take care of me and surround me with love. I had never experienced such love. I will remember that night forever.
When I was finally properly diagnosed in late 2004 with my medical condition, I had to come to terms with the fact that I would likely live with this condition for the rest of my life. That I would have to take medicine, change my diet, exercise regularly, and work on changing me in order to have a fighting chance. That was a hard pill to swallow for someone like me who is always bouncing around, laughing, throwing parties at my home, and doing 100 things all at once. Yet God knew I was "hiding", I was "masking" as so many of us do and He had been firing warning shots at me since about 2000 when my health started to slowly decline and I kept ignoring the underlying root causes of my affliction. Let me be clear, damaged emotions, broken-heartedness, old hurts, un-forgiveness, fear, anger, and guilt will destroy you emotionally and physically. I may as well have ingested a bottle of poison because that is what not dealing with my hurts had done to my body. I was holding onto a lot of stuff that went back to my childhood and college years, and I just kept pushing it down as so many of us as black women are taught to do from the time we are little girls. I was nice on the outside, I would give you the shirt off my back but every once in a while I would erupt in uncontrolled anger, I was offended easily, and unbeknownst to me I was very upset with God because I felt that I had played by the rules and gotten a raw deal from life. I was quietly seething inside. But most of all I was angry at me, because I had failed me and my expectations for my life.
The problem is people only see what we allow them to see. People thought I had a great life. They thought I had it all together. After all, I had perfectly coifed hair, perfectly manicured hands, a great smile, nice clothes, nice car, nice house, attended church, taught Sunday school, and on and on. We know how to hide don't we sisters? But, let me tell you I had some "stuff" going on with me that was deep, dark, and lonely. I was embroiled in a mess that only God Himself could fix.
Long story short by the fall of 2004 all hell broke loose in my personal life and I had finally watched the bottom drop out from underneath of me health wise, emotionally, and relationally. I was truly heart broken, crushed in spirit, and devastated. My dating relationship ended, and a long-term friendship I had for years ended very hurtfully. People I thought would be there walked away, and it hurt a great deal. I felt truly lost for the first time in my entire life. I truly felt as if my life was over, but the truth is it was just beginning. God was weeding folks out that needed to be out of my life, and ironically, he was bringing folks back in who had been away for a season.
So be clear, I started iask from a place of pain not of ingenuity. I know first hand what it feels like to be chronically and physically ill for days, weeks, months and years at a time. To feel so depressed that you cannot get out of bed, but you have to because someone has to work and pay the bills. To feel so rejected, lost, hurt, alone, afraid, and weary that you fear there is no God. I know what it is like to cry out audibly and ask "Why me Lord"? No words can describe for you the emotional and physical hell I have endured these past years. Yet, it is in my brokenness that I learned to serve others. It is in my brokenness that this organization came to be what it is today.
My Growth Season
A dear friend who is on our men's advisory board gave me a sermon once titled, The Order of Breaking Bread. In the sermon the Pastor made the point that when Christ broke bread at the last supper; He did so in a distinct order. He took the bread, He blessed it, He broke it, and then He used it for the nourishment of their bodies.
Similarly, Jesus does that with us as His followers in order to exemplify His life changing power in our lives. Christ takes us from our fallen life of sin, He blesses us once we confess Him as Lord and are Baptized into his death, burial & resurrection (Romans 6:1-4), He then breaks us by allowing trials, adversity and hardship that we all must endure in the flesh, and finally He uses us for His good purpose, so that we will comfort others, and bring a testimony of hope to those who are likewise enduring suffering, hurts and trials.
Friends let's be honest: It is so easy to praise God and love Him when all is well. But the test for the person of faith is will you praise Him when you are broken. I can honestly say that the past 4 years of my life have been the most challenging, difficult, faith stretching, faith testing, faith building, heart wrenching, and yet, emotionally liberating years of my life. What a paradox.
I recently heard two great sermons on the life of Abraham and Sarah and their faith walk with God. We all know the story. We all know what the Apostle Paul writes in Romans 4 and Hebrews 11 about Abraham's faith, and how he trusted in God for the promise of an heir despite being 100 and Sarah being 90. Yet, I would commend to you Genesis chapters 15-18, emphasis on chapter 17:15-22 and again in chapter 18:9-16. You see, Abraham was a man of great faith, but friends his faith was "imperfect" faith just like ours. What do I mean you ask? I mean Abraham and Sarah did not wait on God, they intervened, they used human reasoning, they decided God needed some help getting them a son. So, they got Hagar to be Abraham's wife and she begot Ishmael and the rest as we all know 4000 years later is history.
When we are focused on our desires it is hard to see God in the midst. But notice in the story of Abraham that despite his imperfect faith, God was still perfect. God still delivered what He promised. God was still able to bring about Isaac and ultimately Christ through his lineage. God can do the same for us even when we get off track. I am definitely living plan B of my life. I messed up plan A sometime ago and I can see it now so clearly. But, if I had not gotten off track so badly I would not be the woman I am today. And there would not be a wonderful organization such as iask, Inc. which has helped hundreds of women and men across the nation.
Several key things happened to me between 2004-2005. First, in the spring of 2004 I started my career with Holland & Knight. A job which has been my best ever and I truly am grateful to the firm for all it has done to help iask as an organization. Later that fall of 2004 my doctor recommended that I get a dog, a puppy (and a boy at that). Her concern was that I needed something to care for and force me to get up out of bed everyday in light of all I was dealing with emotionally and physically. So, I got "Nelson" my Cocker Spaniel when he was 9 weeks old. He is now three and he has kept me on my toes everyday by 6:00 a.m. no matter how I feel because he has to eat and be walked—rain, snow, or sleet. Second, I met a wonderful man in late summer 2004, who was kind to me and helped to restore me, but the timing was all wrong for us. However, he is a dear friend to this day. We have helped each other through some dark days; the abrupt loss of his youngest brother that Christmas '04 and through my own challenges.
In 2005, I got the right combination of medical doctors who really took an interest in my health and helped me to get well. Dr. Joi Martin, Dr. John Bruchalski, and Dr. Grace Keenan were godsends. Since that time, I have done a lot of healing physically and emotionally. I am not 100% there year, but thank God I am not where I used to be. I still have challenges that I am actively working through, and I still do and say dumb, selfish, foolish things. Yet, at least now I understand how to recover from my mistakes and keep pressing on. I am a work in progress like us all.
Bottom line: I am a better woman all the way around. There is purpose in the pain. God is our vindicator and He deals with those who have hurt and wronged us. We need to trust Him and let go. So, I made a bargain with God. If He would help me to not just survive my situation, but learn to thrive in it, I would dedicate the rest of my life, to helping other similarly situated women avoid my mistakes and avert a sudden crisis of health such as what happened to me four years ago now.
My Life Today
I have carried for years in my wallet, a quotation that reads:
"Sooner or later, you start taking yourself seriously. You know when you need a break. You know when you need a rest. You know what to get worked up about, and what to get rid of. And you know when its time to take care of yourself, for yourself. To do something that makes you stronger, faster, more complete. Because you know it's never too late to have a life. And never too late to change one."
Fast forward to the year 2007, I still live with a rare condition that affects less than 3% of adults in the U.S., but I am on the road to much better health, and if God sees fit to bless me even at this late stage of my life, I still hope for children. Ironically, I am in many ways better than I have ever been. I don't work crazy hours, I work from home several days a week, I take vacations or long weekends away, I walk my dog every morning before I ride my bike, I eat better, I rest better, I laugh harder and louder, I spend quality time with family and friends, and I like to be barefoot as much as possible. I am slowly becoming someone more like me. Most importantly, I pray everyday and study God’s word—not as the religious, legalistic stuck in the mud Christian I once was, but as a faithful, seeking, open human being. I have my top 10 list of "things to do before I die" posted by my bed. I have already checked off at least two things on my list. I am presently learning to play Spanish/classical guitar which is something I have always wanted to do. Sometimes before bed at night I sit out on my deck with a glass of red wine and serenade the dog to sleep (he likes my playing even if it is really bad). I write in my journal and I am following my passion, which is writing. I am blessed with great women (including my mom) who are helping me to build this organization which has helped scores of women & men who are in need of prayer, friendship, financial support, counseling, mentoring, and healing. 1 Corinthians chapter 1 verses 3-7 has become my life mantra—"to comfort those in trouble as I myself have been comforted by God in my trouble". When I let go, God took control.
Finally, I am blessed because I am alive. I turned 40 this year and I had an awesome celebration with over 100 friends and family by my side. I am blessed with wonderful, deep, meaningful friendships that have stood the test of time, a great family, and a great law firm that has been supportive of me in my time of need. And best of all I met someone late last year who unbeknownst to him, was a gift from God because despite all he has lost in his life (his wife and dad died within one year of each other from Cancer), he showed me a decency that I feared no longer existed in male/female relationships. He built me up instead of tearing me down. He likes me for me and he helped me to open my heart to love again, truly, by being my friend first. I honestly thought that part of my life was over, and now I realize it too is just beginning. I will be forever grateful to him for the rest of my days, no matter what, because my heart is truly open now and that means the possibilities for my life are endless. Love is the most healing balm of all. Love covers all and it changes things. Once you grasp that truth, everything else in your life begins to fall in line.
Bottom line: I "asked" God for help and He has answered. The best is truly yet to come for me, because I know God loves me and I can trust Him. So can you! Amazing Grace How Sweet the sound. . . that saved a wretch like me. Be blessed and thank you for stopping by our new website.
Read President Sophia Nelson's Interview with author, Judy LubinRead President Sophia Nelson's Interview with iask member and best-selling author, Terri Williams
